2 Years Post Op

I’ve been putting off writing my 2 year post because well I honestly feel like a failure L  I know I’m not a failure and it’s not like I’ve put all my weight back on but I’ve put more on then I would like to see.  This morning I weighed in at 162 (which is a lb lighter than last week).  My goal weight is 150 and I was there, briefly!  I kept telling myself that it was okay to bounce around a few lbs, and it is, but this isn’t a few lbs, this is 12/13 lbs higher then goal and that is NOT Acceptable!  I look at pictures of me this time last year and I can see the difference, I liked that me better!  Also, my pants are TIGHT, I don’t like tight pants! LOL

I have pretty much given up lately.  I can pin point a lot of it for you.  STRESS!  I eat JUNK when I’m stressed and even though I know exercise might actually help relieve some of that stress I have no motivation to do it.  It’s that first step that is the hardest and I haven’t been able to do it for some time now.  I can say it started when this semester started.  I had no clue that the first 8 week courses would have been so rough on me but it was.  I felt that I had NO time for anything but schoolwork and it got the better of me.  Then the second 8 weeks starts and it’s been a fairly easy 8 weeks (its now finals week! YAY!) but in comes the job change. 

I know this job change has now been a BIG stressor for me.  I was SO SAD to leave my job but really felt as if I had no choice.  I couldn’t hold onto that job when I knew it would be gone in a year and they put this job in my lap, I had to take it but it’s not that I regret it but I HATE MY JOB right now!  I keep telling myself it will get better, it has it right?  Well my job is something that I identify myself with and right now, I Suck L  This makes me eat JUNK as well.  I sit here at work and either just want to munch on junk food or I don’t eat at all which is just as bad, if not worse!

A few months ago I took myself off all medications/supplements.  I was honestly just sick of taking pills all day every day!  When I had my appt with the surgeon this past week I got a lecture, which I expected, about taking myself off.  He did a full blood workup and I have to call them later this week to find out the results.  I honestly don’t think they will be that bad but maybe they are worse then I think and that is part of my no motivation for anything, who knows?

I just need a good kick in the butt to get going again!  I pay $120 a month for a gym membership that I haven’t used in months L  We do use it for my daughter a lot (swimming) and Shane goes more often than me, but still not a whole lot. I can find excuse after excuse for why I’m not going between school, work, and life but in reality my lazy butt just hasn’t gone! I told myself this morning even to pack a gym bag and just go straight there after work, well I couldn’t find my pants and remembered they were in the dryer and guess what, my lazy butt didn’t want to go all the way to the basement and get them so I didn’t pack a bag.  I told myself I need to come home and do my final that is due in 3 days instead.  No I should have packed the bag and I should go to the gym tonight and do the final after but I can tell ya know that won’t be happening L I SUCK!

I do remember that I got into a rut around this time last year as well.  Maybe its just the winter blues or whatever.  But it’s not like it Winter here.  Shoot, it’s Dec 10^th and it was 50 degree out when I left my house at 7 this morning!

MOTIVATION WHERE ARE YOU!??  PLEASE COME BACK??

So two years since surgery.  I can still say it was the BEST Decision I’ve ever made for my own health!  I am Healthy!  Overall I am happy with myself and what I have accomplished but I am sure I will always been trying to achieve bigger and better things in life as well as with my weight and health!

This next years goals are to continue to be healthy and to complete a ½ Marathon!! 

I CAN DO IT!!!!!

Army Ten Miler ~ AMAZING

WOW, I did it!  I completed a TEN MILE RACE!!!  Don't know my official time yet but according to my phone it was 2 hours and 2 minutes!!  I had orginially said I wanted to do it in 2 hour 15 mins but was hoping for 2 hour flat but it's all good!  I got out there and ran and Loved/Hated it!! LOL
My training for this race wasn't what I wanted it to be but life gets in the way sometimes so I am so thrilled that I was able to get out there and do it today!
I headed into DC to stay with my friend Sylvia so I didn't have to deal with traveling down there so early in the morning before the race.  We went to the expo and I bought a pair of running sunglasses and I was SO HAPPY I did!  I Love them and will continue to use them while I run.
We hung out the rest of the day and went to bed about 10pm last night.  Of course my nerves got the best of me and I was awake on and off all night long and when the alarm went off at 445am I was NOT happy!  But I was excited so up I went and ready we got!  Out the door at 525am and headed to the Metro.  We got to the Pentagon at about 6am and go figure had to wait.  We waited to get in the coral area and the potties!  We ended up hulded around a light that the exhust was putting out heat for like an hour!  It was SO COLD!  Finally about 710am we went to our coral area (PURPLE!) After watching some Army Parachuters come out the planes and the signing of the National Anthem it was Race Time!  The Wounded Warriors got to start first but since we were at the last coral we couldn't actually see anything :( We started to move from our area at about 815-820 and made it to the start line very close to our "real" start time of 825am!  OFF WE WENT!  UGH!  I was dying very quickly!  After standing around in the COLD for hours my feet already hurt :(  But I pushed through.  I made it to to the second mile before I had to put my headphones on and get my music going.  I needed that extra push from the songs!  I walked A LOT but kept catching up to Sylvia which was good!  I think the worst part of the whole thing for me was between mile 7 and 8.  Don't know why but it SUCKED! LOL Think I totally "tweaked" something in my BUTT and it hurt and was cramping so bad - just the right cheek! LOL
When we were close to the end I pushed and pushed but it was uphill for a good bit and I just couldn't push anymore :(  Sylvia took off and I ended up walking a bit more.  Saw the finish line and tried to run as best as I could but there was NOTHING left in me to sprint it out like I normally would :( But I FINISHED!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Ended up running into all my friends before the race - Amanda I saw at Packet Pick Up, Tuyen and Kate found me before the race and Anne walked by in the coral so we got a change to chat!! Tuyen and Kate we saw again after the race too so that was Awesome!
I allowed Sylvia to talk me into eating some breakfast before the race since it was So Many Hours until race time - Bad Idea! LOL  I was bleching PB throughout most of the race! LOL  I know my body and I CANNOT eat before I run!
Race was over and we went through the HOOAH tents looking for people we knew and it was neat.  I didn't get all up into the tents and get the swag because I'll be going to the AUSA conference this week so I'll get swag there!  Had to walk about 3 miles back to the Metro when it was done though :(  That was NOT Fun! LOL  Butt cheek hurts, legs hurting, feet Crazy Sore but feel AMAZING for getting out there and doing it!

To top off my Race Day and I got a Great Text Message from a friend of mine who I look up to So Much telling me how proud she was that I accomplished the 10 Miler and how her heart is full for me!  Meant a lot to me to hear this as I know she KNOWS what it's like to struggle with weight, weight loss and Running all the while being a mom and a professional in the workforce!  She's AMAZING!!

Now I'm home chilling in my own chair (after showering of course) and just hurting the rest of the day away! LOL I still sometimes can't believe that the girl who said she would NEVER run (or pay someone to allow her to run) just ran 10 miles!!! 


 

Running

I ran last night, FIVE MILES in about 54 mins!!  Why - Because I felt like RUNNING!!!  WOW, that is just such a wierd thing for me to say.  I wasn't running a race with friends, I just WANTED to go out and RUN!  Had the feeling all day long that I wanted to run so even though it was raining when I got home I said, nope, I'm still going to run! 

Got my phone all set up with a few new songs and off I went.  Started out feeling GREAT and thought I was going at a slower - but decent pace.  It's always in the back of my mind to not push to hard because when it comes time to run the Army Ten Miler I'll want to pace myself good to get through the whole thing! 

So when I hit the 1 mile mark - per the GPS on mapmyrun, it said I did it in like 9:45! WHAT?  WOW!  Thats Awesome but I was Trying to go SLOWER!!! LOL  So then I did slow down a bit.  Texted a quick minute with the neighbor to see if she wanted to join me and then started to run again.  I did a lot of walk/run/walk and it felt Great!!

When I hit the 3 mile mark I said I'm going to watch my miles/time and take a picture of when I hit 3.1 because I knew I was at a GREAT time for me.  Sure enough, 3.1 in 32something minutes!!  WHY Can't I do that IN a RACE??!!! LOL

I was still feeling great so I said I'm going to keep going and see if I can do 5 miles!  By the time 5 miles hit, it was raining harder, I was soaking wet and I felt bad that I hadn't cooked dinner for the family yet so I called it good.  I could have kept going, oh yes, I could have!!  I can't even put into words what that felt like to know I could Keep Going!!!

I'm not worried about completeing the Army Ten Miler now in the time frame but I am concered about not being able to have my music!  Music is what Keeps me GOING through it all!  I've had SO MUCH on my mind lately (losing job is at the top! and then my weight gain and a lot more) that I just tried as hard as I could to clear my head and just Get Lost in the Music! It felt GREAT!  So I guess I, Dawn LaBay, can I say I am a runner!

Weight Gain

I haven't wanted to admit this to myself but I have to. I Have GAINED WEIGHT :(  It SUCKS! but there is No one to blame but myself!  I have been lazy in my eating habits and haven't been as good with workouts as I should.  Yes, I am still getting at least one good workout in a week but I should ALWAYS be getting AT LEAST 3 in a week, preferably 5 a week!

Here and NOW I am going to focus and do more, do better!  No ONE is going to do this BUT me so I must make myself!  Work is crazy busy with me doing two jobs in one now, going to school full time and having Paxtons schedule to deal with, I still must MAKE the Time FOR ME!

Yes, most of my clothes still fit, but that might be because I've stretched them out! LOL 

Again, it's time to get back on track and get it going again!!

Bottomless Pit

This was me yesterday!  I mean All I did was EAT and EAT and EAT some More :(  I think that I consumed the most calories yesterday then I have since before Surgery!  NOT GOOD!  I guess we will always have our good and bad days but I really don't like bad days!  I haven't been to the gym in two weeks and I won't be able to go for awhile.  We are leaving town tomorrow morning and won't be back until Sunday night.  Maybe I can still make it to a spin class on Monday, I miss Spin! 
So there isn't really much of a point in this post but I haven't wrote in here for a while and I needed to "confess" how awful yesterday was!  So today is going to be better, right?

Two Piece

I can NOT believe I actually did it!  I bought a TWO PIECE Swim Suit!  Like a full two pieces where my entire stomach is exposed! LOL  I have wore tankini's for years because they are more flattering then a one piece suit but they still cover everything!
I said once that I was convinced by a friend (Brooke) to buy the suit but really she didn't say much, it was ME who bought it! 
I do not feel 100% "Awesome" in it, but I'm not so uncomfortable that I won't wear it!  I'm sure I'll have a cover-up on a lot except when laying out or in the water but I WILL wear it in Public and I'm showing it here too!!
I know what I still need to do to help me be more happy with my body but I haven't found the motivation to do it yet! Hoping the more I'm wanting to be in this suit the more it will motivate me to be happier in it!!

Body Image

How do you 'SEE' yourself? I do not see myself in the correct light, that is for sure!  I can SEE the weight loss.  I SEE the small number (and no W behind it) on my clothes but when I look in the mirror I still see fat roll here and fat roll there.

I went shopping last night looking for an Easter Dress and after trying on 7 different dresses I decided to give up for the night because I found something very wrong, not with the dress, but with ME in each dress.  I am NOT a good judge of what looks good on me.

I have been pretty down on myself lately because I am not where I thought I would be by now but I have no one to blame but myself.  I really thought I would be much more toned then I am. Yes, I'm pretty much at goal weight (scale this morning read 153) but I still have ALOT of 'fat' on my body. I really try to tell myself over and over that I am HEALTHY and that is really what matters but I just can't seem to get it out of my head that I want to put clothes on and NOT see a fat roll.

I need to do A LOT more shopping because I have little to no summer clothes for work because what I had last year was all way to big!  Again, that plays into I KNOW I have lost the weight.  My brain does register that I do not weigh 250lbs anymore but I am still not comfortable in my own skin :(

15 Months

15 Months! WOW, where has the time gone!  It almost past me by without me thinking about it but I remembered!  Took some photos today for comparison.  I don't really want to look at the last pictures I took compared to these ones because I have been SO BAD over the last couple of months! Eeekk!!  BUT I am back on track or at least trying!  I have to really start focusing on both my food and my exercise again.  I've fallen back into some pretty bad habits of snacking on candy :(  It's always been a "problem" of mine and I am always working on it.  I'm pretty good at my water intake but haven't done very good on my protein intake so I'll need to focus on that again as well!  Exercise! UGH!  My love/hate relationship with exercise.  I LOVE it because it makes me feel great but I'm so tired and without the motivation to go and do it!  Today I did it though!  Ran a 5K around the parade field across from the office and did it in GREAT time which I was shocked about since it's been MONTHS since I ran! LOL 

Over all though, I'm doing Great!  Still holding steady right around 153ish (more then 150 but less then 155)  I am still fighting anemia but I'm trying hard to remember to take my meds everyday.  Otherwise my health is FAN FREAKING TASTIC and I am still So Happy that I made this choice for me!

Inspiration!

So a Great friend told me not to long ago that I was an inspiration to her?! What? me? An inspiration to someone? This is a very odd concept to me because I have never been the person that people look up to! I was either that girl that parents didn't want the kids to be friends with to being the person that everyone did like because even though I could be crass and harsh (read Bluntly Honest) I was a friend to the end and my friendship didnt waiver but even though that was the case I still wasn't someone that you would normally look up to! I'm a mom, a wife and a friend. I'm Normal, just like anyone else and then add into that I was very over weight and eventually I was obese! That is definitely not something to look up to! So I finally decided that I would take control of my weight and had surgery. Yes, I do feel that I cheated somewhat. This process has been extrememly difficult and also easy for me! It was actually really easy loosing the weight, it seemed to just fall off of me and now I am finding the difficult part in being Keeping it off! Granted, I haven't gained much weight back (less then 5lbs) but weight is weight so I don't know how I can be an inspiration to anyone?

So I was told this by an Amazing friend who I love dearly and it's been on my mind since she said it to me almost a week ago. She told me I need to make sure to not make "fat" comments about myself and to have more respect for how far I have come and that I need to pick a "Begin to Win Again" date and just start going again! Well that date is Today! I will not sit here and say I will eat 100% like I should because damn it, I love food, But I will get my butt moving again in some shape or form! If I just do a quick circuit at home or if the weather is nice and I go for a walk or run, I will do some movement! I know a lot of my moodiness has been because the lack of exercise so dang it, that must change!

So back to the inspiration part. My wonderful friend went on to tell me that she loves me and is counting on me to be someone she looks up to and is inspired by! Say what? I feel like those are some Big shoes to fill and ya know my feet shrunk with the weight loss! LOL Anyways, I am NOT the type of person to let others down so damn it, To be be that inspiration to her (as she has been to me) then I'd better continue to show her that day in and day out! It's time to get moving again and live this healthy life I've always wanted for myself!

Food as comfort

Why is it that for that brief moment food makes you feel better? It used to last a lot longer for me but now it really is only a brief moment and then my brain catches up and says WTF did you just eat and my body says screw you now I'm going to make you hurt for eating that! But do I learn and not do it again, No!
I have been struggling really bad over the last few weeks, shoot the last few months! I thought a part of it was because I was wanting to see my family but I went and saw them and it didn't help :( shoot it might have made it worse!
I am missing my friends and family and it make it all worse we are doing really bad financially so we are stuck just being in the house with Nothing to do!
I have had to give up things that I really enjoy in order to save money and that just makes me feel worse about myself :(
So I have been eating like CRAP! I haven't been getting all my water in, no where near getting in my protein! I put weight on but 3/4 of it has come back off because now I'm just not eating! I know exactly what I am doing wrong but I don't know how to make myself be disciplined again and get myself going!
I know this is just a part of life, I'm going to struggle from time to time but it sure does suck while in stuck in the middle of it!
I really do Hate that I turn to food but I honestly don't know why else to do! I can talk to the few people who will listen until I'm blue in the face, they can't make it any better! I usually end up feeling worse because either I am reminded that so many others have it a lot worse then I do or I make the other person upset and that upsets me! It's just a sucky vicious circle! UGH!
I meet with the NUT tomorrow and I can already hear her telling me what I need to do, well I already Know what to do but please tell my brain to find a way to make my body do it! I feel like my body just wants to give up! I want to stay in bed and never get out but I am an adult and must go to work or that'll just make it worse so since I can't just sit in bed and cry, I eat instead!