Weight Gain

I haven't wanted to admit this to myself but I have to. I Have GAINED WEIGHT :(  It SUCKS! but there is No one to blame but myself!  I have been lazy in my eating habits and haven't been as good with workouts as I should.  Yes, I am still getting at least one good workout in a week but I should ALWAYS be getting AT LEAST 3 in a week, preferably 5 a week!

Here and NOW I am going to focus and do more, do better!  No ONE is going to do this BUT me so I must make myself!  Work is crazy busy with me doing two jobs in one now, going to school full time and having Paxtons schedule to deal with, I still must MAKE the Time FOR ME!

Yes, most of my clothes still fit, but that might be because I've stretched them out! LOL 

Again, it's time to get back on track and get it going again!!

Bottomless Pit

This was me yesterday!  I mean All I did was EAT and EAT and EAT some More :(  I think that I consumed the most calories yesterday then I have since before Surgery!  NOT GOOD!  I guess we will always have our good and bad days but I really don't like bad days!  I haven't been to the gym in two weeks and I won't be able to go for awhile.  We are leaving town tomorrow morning and won't be back until Sunday night.  Maybe I can still make it to a spin class on Monday, I miss Spin! 
So there isn't really much of a point in this post but I haven't wrote in here for a while and I needed to "confess" how awful yesterday was!  So today is going to be better, right?

Two Piece

I can NOT believe I actually did it!  I bought a TWO PIECE Swim Suit!  Like a full two pieces where my entire stomach is exposed! LOL  I have wore tankini's for years because they are more flattering then a one piece suit but they still cover everything!
I said once that I was convinced by a friend (Brooke) to buy the suit but really she didn't say much, it was ME who bought it! 
I do not feel 100% "Awesome" in it, but I'm not so uncomfortable that I won't wear it!  I'm sure I'll have a cover-up on a lot except when laying out or in the water but I WILL wear it in Public and I'm showing it here too!!
I know what I still need to do to help me be more happy with my body but I haven't found the motivation to do it yet! Hoping the more I'm wanting to be in this suit the more it will motivate me to be happier in it!!

Body Image

How do you 'SEE' yourself? I do not see myself in the correct light, that is for sure!  I can SEE the weight loss.  I SEE the small number (and no W behind it) on my clothes but when I look in the mirror I still see fat roll here and fat roll there.

I went shopping last night looking for an Easter Dress and after trying on 7 different dresses I decided to give up for the night because I found something very wrong, not with the dress, but with ME in each dress.  I am NOT a good judge of what looks good on me.

I have been pretty down on myself lately because I am not where I thought I would be by now but I have no one to blame but myself.  I really thought I would be much more toned then I am. Yes, I'm pretty much at goal weight (scale this morning read 153) but I still have ALOT of 'fat' on my body. I really try to tell myself over and over that I am HEALTHY and that is really what matters but I just can't seem to get it out of my head that I want to put clothes on and NOT see a fat roll.

I need to do A LOT more shopping because I have little to no summer clothes for work because what I had last year was all way to big!  Again, that plays into I KNOW I have lost the weight.  My brain does register that I do not weigh 250lbs anymore but I am still not comfortable in my own skin :(

15 Months

15 Months! WOW, where has the time gone!  It almost past me by without me thinking about it but I remembered!  Took some photos today for comparison.  I don't really want to look at the last pictures I took compared to these ones because I have been SO BAD over the last couple of months! Eeekk!!  BUT I am back on track or at least trying!  I have to really start focusing on both my food and my exercise again.  I've fallen back into some pretty bad habits of snacking on candy :(  It's always been a "problem" of mine and I am always working on it.  I'm pretty good at my water intake but haven't done very good on my protein intake so I'll need to focus on that again as well!  Exercise! UGH!  My love/hate relationship with exercise.  I LOVE it because it makes me feel great but I'm so tired and without the motivation to go and do it!  Today I did it though!  Ran a 5K around the parade field across from the office and did it in GREAT time which I was shocked about since it's been MONTHS since I ran! LOL 

Over all though, I'm doing Great!  Still holding steady right around 153ish (more then 150 but less then 155)  I am still fighting anemia but I'm trying hard to remember to take my meds everyday.  Otherwise my health is FAN FREAKING TASTIC and I am still So Happy that I made this choice for me!

Inspiration!

So a Great friend told me not to long ago that I was an inspiration to her?! What? me? An inspiration to someone? This is a very odd concept to me because I have never been the person that people look up to! I was either that girl that parents didn't want the kids to be friends with to being the person that everyone did like because even though I could be crass and harsh (read Bluntly Honest) I was a friend to the end and my friendship didnt waiver but even though that was the case I still wasn't someone that you would normally look up to! I'm a mom, a wife and a friend. I'm Normal, just like anyone else and then add into that I was very over weight and eventually I was obese! That is definitely not something to look up to! So I finally decided that I would take control of my weight and had surgery. Yes, I do feel that I cheated somewhat. This process has been extrememly difficult and also easy for me! It was actually really easy loosing the weight, it seemed to just fall off of me and now I am finding the difficult part in being Keeping it off! Granted, I haven't gained much weight back (less then 5lbs) but weight is weight so I don't know how I can be an inspiration to anyone?

So I was told this by an Amazing friend who I love dearly and it's been on my mind since she said it to me almost a week ago. She told me I need to make sure to not make "fat" comments about myself and to have more respect for how far I have come and that I need to pick a "Begin to Win Again" date and just start going again! Well that date is Today! I will not sit here and say I will eat 100% like I should because damn it, I love food, But I will get my butt moving again in some shape or form! If I just do a quick circuit at home or if the weather is nice and I go for a walk or run, I will do some movement! I know a lot of my moodiness has been because the lack of exercise so dang it, that must change!

So back to the inspiration part. My wonderful friend went on to tell me that she loves me and is counting on me to be someone she looks up to and is inspired by! Say what? I feel like those are some Big shoes to fill and ya know my feet shrunk with the weight loss! LOL Anyways, I am NOT the type of person to let others down so damn it, To be be that inspiration to her (as she has been to me) then I'd better continue to show her that day in and day out! It's time to get moving again and live this healthy life I've always wanted for myself!

Food as comfort

Why is it that for that brief moment food makes you feel better? It used to last a lot longer for me but now it really is only a brief moment and then my brain catches up and says WTF did you just eat and my body says screw you now I'm going to make you hurt for eating that! But do I learn and not do it again, No!
I have been struggling really bad over the last few weeks, shoot the last few months! I thought a part of it was because I was wanting to see my family but I went and saw them and it didn't help :( shoot it might have made it worse!
I am missing my friends and family and it make it all worse we are doing really bad financially so we are stuck just being in the house with Nothing to do!
I have had to give up things that I really enjoy in order to save money and that just makes me feel worse about myself :(
So I have been eating like CRAP! I haven't been getting all my water in, no where near getting in my protein! I put weight on but 3/4 of it has come back off because now I'm just not eating! I know exactly what I am doing wrong but I don't know how to make myself be disciplined again and get myself going!
I know this is just a part of life, I'm going to struggle from time to time but it sure does suck while in stuck in the middle of it!
I really do Hate that I turn to food but I honestly don't know why else to do! I can talk to the few people who will listen until I'm blue in the face, they can't make it any better! I usually end up feeling worse because either I am reminded that so many others have it a lot worse then I do or I make the other person upset and that upsets me! It's just a sucky vicious circle! UGH!
I meet with the NUT tomorrow and I can already hear her telling me what I need to do, well I already Know what to do but please tell my brain to find a way to make my body do it! I feel like my body just wants to give up! I want to stay in bed and never get out but I am an adult and must go to work or that'll just make it worse so since I can't just sit in bed and cry, I eat instead!